i no longer believe in god.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
in the summer of nineteen ninety-one, i "got saved" at summer camp. it was a powerful, momentous experience.
in the summer of nineteen ninety-three, i got "saved" ... again.
my experience of christianity was one of chasing the highs of the salvation experience again and again. of being part of an epic struggle between good and evil.
of truly believing i knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what was morally correct and spiritually upstanding in the eyes of god ---
and what was sin and immoral and would condemn people to hell.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
i am not an atheist.
i do not believe in god, but i cannot with one-hundred percent certainty, that there is ... nothing. we live in a world with a myriad of different beliefs in supernatural beings or entities. perhaps there is some mystical energy that knits the universe together; the ley lines wiccans and pagans believe they can access and direct.
when i was a christian, i believed with unbelievably arrogant, smug certainty that god existed, was only christian, and every single other religions was wrong.
i'm agnostic, now. i don't believe in any higher power, but i cannot say that with absolute certainty.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
i am certain that there is no hell.
the idea of an eternal torment --- eternal --- towards unbelievers is irreconcilable with the idea of a just creator. eternity of torture is not just.
"but god's wisdom is not our wisdom."
one of many christian mental gymnastics done to explain away the senseless cruelty of such a belief.
a belief that is also not necessarily shared by the jewish faith
(i am not a jewish scholar by any stretch; however, exploring jewish scriptures from a jewish perspective rather than a christian one has been illuminating)
but worse than the idea of hell:
the sheer presumption and often barely contained glee from the faithful that the others will end up there.
christians love hell.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
for many, becoming a christian is a dynamite experience. the salvation story is one of fireworks! emotional highs! a "moment in time."
a moment. a single, identifiable moment. like a wedding.
choosing to discard the beliefs was much different. there is no "one" moment when i became "unsaved." no singular event i can point to. it was a series of steps, faltering, sometimes backwards, confident, stumbling, in halts and starts.
it was a process over time.
years of denying what was truly going on --- years of pretending i still believed ---
until one day, i woke up and accepted that there was no god.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
at twenty-five, however, two particular paths blew over the fragile house of cards that is christianity:
the first was, for a short but important time, becoming involved in a very extreme branch of hyper-spiritual christianity: faith healing, spiritual warfare, wild extremes, the works. a motherfucker named todd bentley who i became obsessed with disproving.
it was through this i recognized that i could no longer simply "agree to disagree" about ideas of theology. doctrine. belief.
these people were wrong.
they were wrong about demons, and angels, and blessings, and prophecy, and bogus "healing."
there was no... discussion to be had.
any disagreement was satanic deception.
i'm sure this sounds absolutely ludicrous to most of you.
it was.
it is also, however, not uncommon among evangelicals.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
i am not always the easiest person to know. i can be surly. acerbic. harsh.
i've grown unbelievably since the days of being a loudly opinionated prick who would lecture for an hour about why nickelback was the worst.
live and let live, generally. pick your poison.
that's now.
but i have always had a strong sense of justice.
as i left behind my utter certainty, so did i begin to unravel the threads of believing who a person loves being "sinful."
i agonized over it. reading that, it sounds absurdly pathetic. yet agonize i did.
sorry, folks.
god created people gay. lesbian. bi. pan. non-binary. trans. ace.
there is no god, but if there is, god is love.
god is just.
christian "love" is not.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
in the book of galatians, it reads:
“The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control…”
when i looked at the vast majority of christians and christianity then;
when i look now;
i see very little love.
i see hate. intolerance. bigotry. power-hungry men. anger. greed.
fuck that.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"those people are not true christians."
i've heard a version of this phrase --- no true scotsman --- literally hundreds of times over the years.
at a certain point it begs the question:
if virtually every representation of christianity is not "true," this is a scam.
it's so easy to say "well, not all christians. we're not like those christians" and continue to hold beliefs that harm, reduce, hurt, marginalize different communities of human beings.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
i have experienced some christian love, peace, and acceptance.
a small lutheran church in alberta, pastored by a woman; associate pastored by a transgender genderqueer person. that accepted our overwhelmed family exactly for who we were.
in that place; i found hope.
in the rituals, conducted by people truly living the sermon on the mount and fruits of the spirit; i found comfort.
they were the exception
not the rule.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
salvation was fireworks.
abandoning it was calm waves in a clear pacific northwest lake.
one exciting, fleeting, temporary
the other calm, peaceful, and infinite
there is no god
there is only love.
*"Hard to Be," David Bazan, Curse Your Branches
